Dear God, God(s), Universe, Creator, You,
Some days I feel so ungrateful. I have so much yet I want more. I have so many reasons to be happy, yet I linger in sadness. Why is it so difficult to bask in the joy of my blessings? I look at my love and my heart flutters, why can’t I always feel this way? Why do my worries overcome me when clearly love has wrapped itself around me through the divinity of my lover, my family, and my friends? Why do I carry with me this feeling of unworthiness? Why do I not feel worthy of the gifts placed all around me?
I’m beginning to realize why. I have trouble loving myself. I have trouble forgiving myself. My blessings become my burden when I feel shame for not having done more, for not having given more… for not being perfect. I am loved by such incredible people and forces but instead of celebrating, I stumble under the weight of my own expectations and judgment. I don’t feel worthy. I’ve let people down. People, who love me, people who’ve needed me. I’ve let myself down. I’ve broken promises to myself time and time again. How can I believe myself anymore? And to the point, how can I love myself anymore?
It’s because of you, my brothers and sisters. I see the light of loved ones even when they don’t see it in themselves. I find myself feeling out the words of love and support I readily give others as some foreign object of hope. Have I been so blind that I never realized that the words I crafted and imbued with love for others is also meant for me? And that I exist here for more than the words but to live this message? I am not perfect and I will never be, but I am worthy of my own love; I am worthy of forgiveness. Loving myself isn’t egotistical, it’s necessary.
I’m not certain where this path will lead me, though I am sure to get lost again. I hope to remember and maintain a practice of self love, so when the path is winding or perhaps I’ve lost the path altogether, I remember to listen to the compass of my heart, for although others may travel farther and my feet may stray further, I've only ever traveled to find myself.
PS I say “I” but I really mean “We.”